The latest on anti-abduction helmets

October 8, 2003

Last night I received a friendly email message from Michael Menkin, webmaster of Stop Alien Abductions, regarding my link to his site on my crank links page. For those of you who have not seen the page, it contains detailed instructions on constructing an anti-telepathy hat out of 3M Velostat anti-static material. The thought beams of today’s aliens are too powerful to be deflected with mere tinfoil, obviously.

Menkin writes:

Thanks Scott for mentioning the thought screen helmet on your blog. It does work. The testimonials are real.

I’m sure this is true. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that everyone who wears a Thought Screen Helmet has not been abducted by aliens.

Menkin adds:

For more information, you might want to see and post my new website, aliensandchildren.org

The drawings are unique in the world and also real.

Indeed I might! I surfed over to aliensandchildren.org myself to take a look. The site is largely a collection of children’s drawings of aliens and flying saucers that supposedly prove children are being abducted by aliens. But you know what’s really spooky? I used to draw flying saucers just like that when I was about 8! Horrors! I must have been abducted too! But not by the Greys, though – rather, my drawings prove my abductors were small little green men with little antennae.

Menkin’s site does solve one of the great mysteries of alien abduction: What’s with the little black box the saucer people point at you? He writes here:

The box contains a live fetus of a hybrid which is part human and part alien. Showing the box is an act of triumph. The aliens plan to colonize the earth with their new race and replace the human race. By showing the box the aliens are demonstrating that they have succeeded in creating a replacement for the human race.

Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought there was some mystical or high-technological significance to the little black box. Apparently when they beam into the bedroom of a middle-aged housewife, paralyze her where she lies, and force her to look on in horror as they hold up the little black box, it’s just their special little way of saying, “Up yours, earthlings!”

But the surprising thing is that Marvin the Martian has managed to produce an alien-human hybrid at all. According to this page, the aliens:

  • cannot understand our language, written or spoken
  • have no conception of the human need for food or water
  • are oblvious to the purpose of the cardiovascular system

but nonetheless they manage to extract sperm and ova from people and combine them into hybrids. Somehow.

So aliensandchildren.com will soon get a prominent place on my Web site . . . and Mr. Menkin will get two more black helicopters to go with the two he already has. Congratulations!


Another scientific triumph from England

October 6, 2003

From the same people who proved scientifically that a duck’s quack does in fact echo, comes this:

Breath test finds the perfect thickness for cheese sandwich

The right thickness of cheese to put in a sandwich has been discovered with the help of a technique to analyse aromas released as food is chewed.

The study showed that optimum thickness varied according to the cheese: 7mm for wensleydale; 5mm, cheshire; 4.5mm, caerphilly; 3mm, blue stilton; 2.8mm, cheddar; and 2.5mm for double gloucester or red leicester.

Dr Len Fisher of Bristol University, an expert on the science of everyday life, was commissioned by the British Cheese Board to study the concentration of “cheesy” aromas released when a cheese sandwich was chewed. The results are described in his report: Optimum Use of Cheese in a Cheese Sandwich.

[Full Story]

Can you dig it? Newton and Bacon would be proud . . .