July 15, 2015
Today on the Crusty Curmudgeon, we juxtapose:
Sociology researchers are now insisting that we as a society start accepting people who choose to “identify as real vampires”—so that they can be open about the fact that they’re vampires without having to worry about facing discrimination from people who might think that that’s weird. . . .
“Unlike lifestyle vampires, real vampires believe that they do not choose their vampiric condition; they are born with it, somewhat akin to sexual orientation,’ it continues. . . .
[Lead researcher D. J.] Williams explained that no one should be bothered by a person wanting to drink another person’s blood because “it is generally expected within the community that vampires should act ethically and responsibly in feeding practices,” and it’s not their blood-drinking that’s the real problem here—it’s the fact that they have to worry that other people will judge them for their blood-drinking.
[University Researchers: We Have to Accept Poeple Who “Identify as Real Vampires”]
But meanwhile, in Florida . . .
A Florida man arrested for dancing atop the hood of a patrol car parked in the driveway of a police sergeant told cops that he was seeking the aid of the “Sheriff of Nottingham” to help combat a “woman with fangs” and vampires preparing a human sacrifice, according to court records. . . .
Radecki, a Cape Coral resident, can be seen pulling his 2000 Lincoln Town Car up to the rear bumper of the police SUV. With his car radio blaring, Radecki then climbs atop the vehicle and gyrates to “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates and Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.” However, by the time the Olivia Newton-John/John Travolta duet “You’re The One That I Want” played, Radecki was in custody. . . .
After being taken into custody, cops reported, Radecki explained that he went to Janke’s residence because “when he opened his front door, a woman with fangs was threatening him, and that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.” Investigators added that Radecki claimed that he “made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children.”
[Police Release Video of Man’s Cop Car Dance]
Now here is a man who didn’t get the memo. I wonder if anyone has contacted Supertramp out of concern that their music has been used as an instrument of vampirophobic hate speech?
July 9, 2015
Meh. It’s been done. It’s called American light beer.
Nothing is worse than having to use a porta-a-potty at a crowded festival. But a Danish agricultural group wants to put all that urine to good use—by turning it into beer.
Which does raise an interesting question: Beer looks like urine. So how come the more beer you drink, the less your urine looks like beer?
July 6, 2015
Remember yesterday’s story about the nitwit who killed himself trying to launch a firework off his head?
The mother of a man who tried to launch a firework off the top of his head for July Fourth and was killed instantly said Monday she’s advocating for stricter controls about who can use the explosives.
Devon Staples, 22, and his friends had been drinking and setting off fireworks Saturday night in a backyard in Staples’ eastern Maine hometown, Calais, when the accident happened with a reloadable fireworks mortar tube, police have said.
First, it wasn’t an “accident.” It was reckless behaviour done on purpose, but with an unintended consequence.
Second, you can’t regulate stupidity.
Third, as a corollary, if we could regulate stupidity, then banning stupid drunkies from playing with pyrotechnics ought to pretty much solve the problem.
I’m really, really trying to work up some sympathetic feelings, but it’s not working. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
July 5, 2015
Hold muh beer an’ watch this, part 6.022×1023
Staples placed a fireworks mortar tube on his head and set it off, injuring his head. He died instantly. . . .
Dear friends, we are gathered here today to mourn the death not only of our friend Devon Staples, but of common sense and sound judgment.
Police say the friends had been drinking.
You don’t say.
Meanwhile, in Texas . . .
“Only he didn’t say ‘Blank’ . . .”
A man who apparently mocked alligators, then jumped in the water—despite warning signs—is dead after being attacked in Texas. . . .
“He removed his shirt, removed his billfold . . . someone shouted a warning and he said ‘blank the alligators’ and jumped in to the water and almost immediately yelled for help,” Price said.
Do not mock the alligators. They will blank you over but good.
June 24, 2015
Especially other white people having white children.
There was a time in my 20s when everything I learned about the history of racism made me hate myself, my Whiteness, my ancestors . . . and my descendants. I remember deciding that I couldn’t have biological children because I didn’t want to propagate my privilege biologically.
If I was going to pass on my privilege, I wanted to pass it on to someone who doesn’t have racial privilege; so I planned to adopt. I disliked my Whiteness, but I disliked the Whiteness of other White people more. I felt like the way to really end racism was to feel guilty for it, and to make other White people feel guilty for it too.
[I Sometimes Don’t Want to Be White Either]
This, Faithful Readers, is what crazy looks like.
June 18, 2015
Brian Williams, the NBC anchor and professional fabulist who was suspended after claiming falsely to have come under fire in a helicopter while covering the Iraq War in 2003, has been moved to MSNBC.
In his new role, Mr. Williams will anchor breaking news stories and special reports for MSNBC and primarily appear in the daytime. MSNBC’s evening schedule is mostly political talk shows.
Put another way: NBC isn’t credible enough with him, and MSNBC isn’t credible enough without him.
April 24, 2015
Here’s an instant classic from the chronicles of the Society of the Perpetually Outraged, whose feelings are so tender that even a tongue-in-cheek slutshaming of a fictional superhero suffices to send the social-justice warriors running for their keyboards.
When asked about fans’ unmet hopes that Black Widow would get together with their characters, Captain America and Hawkeye respectively, instead of the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), [Jeremy] Renner said, “She’s a slut.” [Chris] Evans laughed and agreed: “I was going to say something along that line . . . A complete whore.” Renner also joked that “she has a prosthetic leg anyway.”
Reports are coming in that the Black Widow has been so humiliated by the incident, that she developed an eating disorder. Moll Flanders and Holly Golightly are said to be staging an intervention.
Seriously, when people get upset about someone calling a fictional character a slut (it’s probably true, anyway, by design), then the Big One can’t come soon enough.